and just like that my life changes. like a rushing river i was, heading towards the edge, the lip of the waterfall, to crash, rush, speed towards the calm surface of the pool below. in love and finally ok with the past, with everything that has happened. it all finally seems to make sense, or what never did make sense i have made peace with-all of the mess, the confusion, the melded mixture of emotion pooling around my ankles like so many snakes coiling. a living dream, a life of dreaming, a dream of a life i've always wanted come alive. i am finally understanding so much, as if it were always all there in print, but the letters scrambled. but i dont claim to understand it all, and that is still beautiful. i can tell it all to you and exorcise it, transform it from pain to a life lived, something whole and beautiful to share.