Today, while searching Google i found the lyrics to a song with the same title as my blog. The namesake of my blog is a J.D. Salinger story with the same name. I thought these lyrics were interesting and definitly worth posting. The artist is The Promise Ring.

The Heart Of A Broken Story
Four in the afternoon I should be up and gone soon.
This is the shirt that I'm wearing out.
Torn at the elbow from too much football
and one size too small all around.
Stretched shoulder to shoulder,
a stretch from soda to soda.
And I slept to the radio over the wind in the morning.
I'm turned like an elbow;
a slumber after parting.
Red faced from too much sun in too many summers.
And your state fair mirror of John Taylor saw the whole thing.

How am i supposed to deal with this always changing world, this contuninualy flowing self. I try to attach personality, image and ideologies to this self. I try to take possession of it. In our western society, everything is sacred when it comes to the self.

If the self is always changing, how is this even possible? In i way out there, extreme philisophical exploration of this the conclusion becomes: there is no self.

If this is true, i'm not so quick to believe it, although i don't entirely deny it. What if the most valuable challange and stuggle of life is the attempt to discover, create, explore and assert the self? The process becomes as important as the end to the point that the end is irrelevent to the search, the exploration. This is true for many things.

Lately I have been trying to accept the belief, i am almost ready to say the fact, that i am always changing. I only recently have begun to understand what this really means, even though i have been thinking about what it means since, well...as long as I can remember.

Coping with so much change at once has brought this close to my attention. Why do I feel so alienated at times when I know one property, or quality, of the self is it's ability to adapt, to change, to melt and mould to what is new around it. My sense of self is quite stubborn. I am not quick to abandon long held ideas about who I am and how I am different from so and so, etc. It should be liberating to know that the self has infinite potential to change.

Well, what if I don't want to change? Or, what if I do want to change, but only select things? This is like trying to feel only certain emotions at certain times, sticking to a pre-set itinerary without leaving room for spontanaity, covering your eggs with condiments without actually tasting the egg. It would be artifically, selectively constructing an image of the self that appeals to me. It would be hypocritical of me to push or hold back aspects of the self that are trying to assert themselves when I value so highly my open-mindedness. We don't own anything, not even our self.

I haven't posted in days, i know. I've been really good, great, happy, peaceful, positive etc. since i've been back to Victoria.

I have been re-evaluating some things, but not in any formal sense. I haven't come to any conclusions and I don't assume I will any time soon.

My thoughts have been quite scattered..difficult to follow. My mind is like a feather pillow, exploded, feathers and dust everywhere, a white blur quite susceptible to any gust of wind, and I can only wait for the feathers to settle a little before they become distinguishable and before I can deal with them at all. I'm just dancing in the feathers, watching them fall.

Few organized thoughts + these thoughts flowing at million/minute = few posts

Man, I have a lot of complicated relationships in my life. Lately I've been finding myself explaining situations in ways like: "My old roommate and cousin's best friend and roommate's brother is dating my cousin's and his sister's new roommate, but he used to be dating my sister who is also his new girlfriend's roommate's cousin." and "my cousin's ex girlfriend and friend of mine and her cousin have moved in with my new roommate Chris' boyfriend Chris." Also my boyfriend is my sister's best friend from highschool and my other sister's friend from University. Phleh!

Well. I'm back. I'm home, and its great.

Coming back to a foot or two of snow was strange. I left Halifax snowless and arrived to a world of white. It seemed as if Canada had flipped itself over overnight. Victoria doesn't own a snowplow, the city sold the last one five years ago (it hasn't snowed like this in six years), so the streets were very messy and slippery for a few days. Victoria is now back to normal-vibrant green, warm and rainy. Beautiful!

My friend Lindsay and her cousin Christy just moved from Calgary in with my roommate's boyfriend Chris and his friend Tyler, so a network of friends has been formed in a day. It is as if the seven of us share two houses. We can switch up roommates whenever now. Having a bustling social life with people I respect and like once again feels great. School/outdoors/kitchen parties. Victoria is the locale of balance.

I don't know how to begin this entry. Coming home has disrupted all of my ideas about my life. Everything is going to be different when I go "home" to Victoria. This new year represents a very distinct split from my "old life."

I absolutely romanticized Halifax when I was away, which I suspected all along. The people I am close to here are wonderful and Halifax has much to offer that Victoria does not. On the other hand, Victoria also has a lot to offer that Halifax does not. It is good that I realize this because it will make it much easier to make a home for myself there.

I'm afraid I'm going to lose parts of myself that I am holding on to so desperately. I'm afraid of losing. I cling to things. I'm sentimental. I hold on to things until there is no life left in them. I refuse to do this to Halifax. I will leave for a while and when I come back it will still breathe life for me.

The most difficult thing of all is going to be leaving the one that I love for an indefinite length of time, perhaps forever. My heart is breaking. I feel like i'm dying. But I do have hope and I think I know what is best...

gads. I don't want my entire life to be this much of a struggle.